Afraid to Write

For the past couple of weeks, I have been afraid to write. Things have been going good with POF.... really good. Any "bumps in the road" that we come across are out of our control... i.e. his ex wife, but I've been afraid to write about what has been going on out of fear. Fear that it will end, or turn out to not be real, like many of my past relationships. Fear that I will jinx what I have with POF.

I have built up a lot of walls and defenses over the course of my dating life. I meet a guy, fall for him, open up my heart to him, get dumped, get hurt. A wall goes up. I meet another guy, question his motives just slightly longer but fall for him anyway, open up, get dumped, get hurt. You get the idea. It's like shampoo.....shampoo, rinse. repeat. It just keeps happening over and over again.

When I met POF, I didn't know how to take him. I was so cynical about dating, and "love" that I didn't trust his actions. I was always looking for the signs... he must be lying, right? Playing me to get what he wants, to get me in bed. I was certain as soon as I let my guard down, I would get hurt.

Well.... here I am. *looks around* My guard is down. I opened up my heart to POF. I'm writing about it. *gulp*

We have had an amazing time getting to know each other over the past month and a half. We have spend an entire week together. No work, no other committments... just us. Together. If you spend an entire week with someone, and you don't drive each other insane or get bored to death... I think that's a good sign.

So, as of now..... things are going very well.

Now, I just need to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

New Ms Modern Post

Please read my new Ms. Modern post.

It's about my best friend.

Ms. Modern

The Meeting

My new "boyfriend" ( yes, I'm still getting used to that term!) met all of my family last night. He came up to my Mom's house, where my son and I are visiting on vacation. My son didn't say much about the new boyfriend. I asked what he thought of him, and I got the typical kid response of "yeah, he was cool".
The boyfriend, otherwise known on here as POF guy, impressed my mom by bringing her a purple hydrangea plant, her fave!
The evening went well. It is important for someone you are dating to "fit in" with your family. It appears that he fits right in with my crazy, and sometimes weird family!
POF's mother has been asking about me. Look like I will be meeting her on Friday night!

A New Chapter

I'm starting a new chapter in the Adventures of Dating Girl. I am officially "dating" POF guy now. The term "boyfriend" has been tossed around recently. POF came up to my home town last weekend and met my Brother & Sister-in-law.
Tomorrow, he will meet my Son and my Mother.
Things with POF have progressed faster than I had anticipated. After he came up and met my brother this past weekend, I saw how well he would fit in with my family. My son knew a little bit about POF, just because my Mom & Sister-in-law kept talking about him!
The only thing I hope is that I won't regret the decision to introduce my son to someone so quickly. I think that my son is getting older now, and is capable of meeting someone that I am spending time with, without having him think I am choosing someone over him.
My son has gone thru the process of his father getting remarried last year. He knows that after a divorce, parents do meet other people.
When I was growing up with a single mother, I hated the thought of her spending her time with anyone but me. She was MY mom. I think my son has a little bit of this attitude, because it has just been "the two of us" for almost 3 years now.
We'll see how things go tomorrow.

Struggling

I just need to vent a bit.. so feel free to click on thru to the next blog, site, or what ever you were doing before you came to my site.
I found out today that my son won't be going to summer camp this summer. I had applied for scholarship money to pay for 2 weeks of camp for him, but was told today that there simply was no more money left. It's not a HUGE deal that my son won't be able to go to camp, but being a single mom with no family in the area, I like my son to be able to get together with other kids and socialize during summer break.
My other major concern lately is that my business has been slow. VERY slow. I only had 2 weddings this summer to photograph. The majority of my income over the summer months comes from doing weddings. Without the wedding income, I only have my freelance assignments, which also slow down during the summer months. I can go a couple of weeks with out working at all.
I get paid once a month from my freelance work. This months income... $675. My rent alone is $550. My "savings" is about gone, and I'm getting scared.
I have tried many times in the past few years to find a "real" job to help with the bills. But, being a single mom, I have a limited availability. I can only work when my son is in school. Mon-Fri- 8am-5:30pm, if I pay for my son to go to before & after care (which is now up to $15 a day!). There isn't a retail job out there that will hire someone for those hours. They all want you to be available nights & weekends. As I said earlier.... I have no family or friends around to watch my son.
I have searched for other job possibilities, but my qualifications don't apply to most "office/9-5" jobs.
So.... I will keep on struggling.
If you read thru this.... thanks. and I'm sorry for making you read my ranting and whining.

Game Delay

My "back in the game" attitude experienced a game delay. After a week of multiple dates, with multiple guys.... I got thrown off track by one of the guys.
POF guy, the "older guy", and I had 4 dates last week. We had a good time getting to know each other. I had to get past my hang up of him being 42, which is older than any guy I've dated before. After hanging out with him, I realized that on him, 42 wasn't that bad.
On our last date he brought me a dozen roses. Pink, my favorite color. He even came over to help me pack my car up for my vacation.
While I was on vacation, we kept in touch by texting a lot. A few days into the trip, I was in the movies when I received a phone call from POF. When I got done with the movie, I returned his call. He said he didn't call me. Hmmm. Confused.
A few minutes, I get a text from POF saying that while he was visiting his daughter, his ex-wife had taken his phone, and must have tried to call me. Great! Just what I need!
Sure enough, about a half hour later, I get a phone call from a number I didn't recoginize. I let it go to voicemail. It was the ex-wife. She introduced herself, and said she was "going to ruin everything for POF" and I.
The evening continued with multiple texts from her. Asking if I knew about POF ruining his daughters birthday (still don't know what that is about!), asking if I had sex with him, and if I had sent him "provocative" photos. She wanted to warn me about POF, and said the last 2 women he tried to date, broke up with him because he lied. She some how found my dating profile on the POF site, and asked if she could show it to her daughter. Her daughter didn't know anything about me before that!
I didn't respond to any of her calls or texts. I let POF know that she had called and texted, and let him know what kinds of things she was accusing him and I of.
I felt attacked, and like I was being judged by someone who doesn't even know me. I wanted to defend myself, but I didn't want to get involved with this woman. I left it up to POF to set his ex-wife straight, and to tell her to leave me alone. They obviously have some issues to work on between themselves before he should try to get involved with anyone else.
This whole episode has put dating POF on hold. I told him I needed time to think about what I wanted. I know what I don't want is to have to deal with a crazy ex-wife calling me and texting me!
I'm not writing POF guy off completely, but I am taking things VERY slowly now, cautiously considering any future dating possibilities.

Back in the Game

After my set back with Mr.Saturday, I didn't waste any time trying to set up new dates, and meet new people.
I met a twitter musician friend, and caught his show at a local bar. It was nice to see some live music and make a new friend.
I met Pie Guy twice this week for dinner dates, and caught a bit of a local outdoor concert. We enjoyed some wine, and conversation.
I had a first date with Mr. Sushi. Was a nice date, at my favorite sushi place. Again, good conversation.
I went to an outdoor concert/festival on Friday. I had left my number with a guy from Match earlier in the day, with the hopes that he would get out of work early enough to meet me there. I was pleasantly surprised when he contacted me, and we ended up hanging out at the concert all evening.
I was invited out to dinner on Saturday by a guy from POF. He's a little older, but I had a nice dinner date with him.
Looks like my dating slump has ended... or at least I hope!

Mr. Saturday, part 2

After my last post, and sending the email to Mr. Saturday, some new information has come to light. First of all, he did not respond to my email at all. While checking my Facebook today, it listed on my page that he had changed his status to "in a relationship", with a female "friend" adding a smushy comment after it.
Wow, really? Just like that? He met this girl over the weekend, and just fell head over heels for her and decided to be in a "relationship" with her? OK...Thats fine, it can happen like that. I'm all for "love at first sight", and wish it would happen to me. What really just pisses me off about this whole thing is that he didn't have the balls to just tell me.
It was safe to assume that he had found a better option than me, when he stopped talking to me a few days ago. All I needed to know was that he decided move on. Why keep a girl hanging on, wondering what happened?
This is not the first time this has happened to me. I've had many a guy just stop talking to me after one date, two dates... weeks, hell... even a 5 month relationship! And I'm always left wondering... was it me? was it something I did? I will never know in most cases.
This time, I'm walking away thinking... he went with a better option. I'm not saying that this woman is better than me, oh-hell no! Just that she was better for him right now.
I'm right for someone, somewhere.....sometime. I just hope that time is soon!

Mr. Saturday

I'm sure some of you have read my recent Twitter "tweets" about Mr. Saturday. Things with Mr. S started out so well. Perfect first date, asking for the second date- and possibly third before the first date ended. We kept up a pretty consistent communication routine right from the beginning. He would text me in the morning. We'd exchange our good mornings, and describe what we were doing that day. Nightly chats online, and phone calls. This communication lasted until after our second date, which he ended early because he was getting sick with a bad cold. After than, he stopped texting me first in the morning, and at first I didn't think too much of it, thinking he was dealing with being sick and all. Over the next few days, he texts became less frequent, and shorter answers, less questions.
After not hearing from Mr. S for over a day, I sent him a text and got a short... almost rude response back. Well,that's it. I can assume he's done with me.
Today, was suppose to be our third date. I tried to just be above all of the games and move on, but I'm an emotional woman. I sent him an email. I told him it was obvious that he has chosen to stop talking to me, and to not pursue any further dating relationship with me. I didn't tell him I was upset or pissed at how he acted, I just wanted him to know that I was aware of his childish behavior. I guess I also wanted to get the last word in. ;)

Hopeless Romantic

I'm sitting here this morning, on the day of Modern Single Mom's wedding.. reading over all the posts of her exciting day. Reading about the tears, the dress, the flowers, the cake... the man of her dreams that she's finally met, a little later than she hoped, but still.... Seeing all the Twitter followers wishing her well, is quite inspiring.
Among those Tweeters are canadianbaldguy and momma_sunshine.
CBG and Sunshine always write amazing blog posts about each other. I feel privileged to be able to read from both sides of the story. Usually you don't get to hear the stories from both parties involved in a relationship. Most likely you're friends with one of them, so you get a one sided view of what the relationship is. It has been exciting, as I live vicariously thru their blog posts, to see their refound love develop and grow.
I hope, someday... soon.... to be able to share with you all.. my mushy romantic feelings. I want to make you all cry just like CBG and Sunshine make me cry! :)

Wedding Bells

Tomorrow, a fellow single mom blogger Modern Single Mom, is getting married. Tonight, she hosted her bachelorette party live on Ustream for all of us to see. Not a typical "bachelorette" party, but a great affirming moment between a group of Twitter followers. It shows the power of social networks, and the bonds that can be made thru them.
As a single mom, who is self employed, I find myself struggling to make social connections in "real life". Twitter has been an amazing experience for me. I've always been an online chatter, but I've made more connections with twitter people in the past few weeks, than I have in years on other sites. I've found myself in this network of amazing single moms, working women, business women, blogger dads, and creative people of all types. I find myself talking with people from all over the world, and if I could,I would visit them tomorrow!
The single moms that I have befriended are an amazing source of inspiration for me. I love to read about their struggles with raising children and paying the bills...all while searching for, falling in, falling out, or being in love.
It gives me hope to see someone like Modern Single Mom on the night before her wedding, so happy in love. She wished the same to all of the other single moms out there, and said not to give up hope... there is someone out there.

My Sexual Self

I struggle with something.... My sexual self is doing battle with my romantic self. My sexual self is powerful and hungry, and has needs! While my romantic self is waiting for Mister Right to come along. In my ideal world, I would meet Mister Right and he will fulfill my sexual needs. It's the meeting part that I have to make it through.
Being a very sexual creature, I am very open about sexual topics. During a relationship, this is a wonderful thing... open communication, discussing needs... no secrets. During the "dating" process, being this sexually open usually leads to wrong impressions. A guy finds out that I am a sexual person, and a switch gets flipped in their brain.... the "She's easy" switch. Once this switch gets flipped, it's hard to turn it off. Once a guy finds out you are sexual, like sex, and like talking about sex... well, that's all he thinks about! He stops thinking about you as any sort of "relationship" material. Don't men want to be with women who are secure with their sexual selves?
Why can't a sexually liberated woman be open and honest about what she wants with out men thinking that is ALL she wants. Of course I want to experience great sex... lots and lots of great sex, but I want it with a partner I trust, and care about, and hell... even love.

To tell the truth?

A twitter follower brought up the question...Do men see your blog and wonder if you will bash them after a date or break up? My initial reaction to that was "I don't advertise my blog on my dating profiles." The men I happen to date, aren't following my blog, and won't see my rants....but really, would it be so bad if they did?
I started thinking about it, and I don't think I "man bash" on my blog. I'm not using real names or saying "Josh from Lansing has a small penis!" (Seriously, I don't even know a Josh). I did tell the story about the ex bf and the penis extender, but come on.. that's just funny. Any guy who purposely tells his ex gf that he made THAT purchase, deserves a blog post!
I've thought about how much to reveal on my blog, knowing that a possible date might read it, or a future bf will find out about it. I don't want to feel like I am hiding anything. I have always been an open and honest person.
I'm writing about things that happen to me in my life, and right now, most of that involves dating. I'm writing about how I am affected by certain events in my life, and about how I feel. But more importantly, I'm writing about me.

Pictures tell a thousand words

In in online dating world, a good photo is priceless. It's the first thing someone will see when looking at your profile. On some sites, it's all about the photo, with very little information to go along with with.
I'm not one to judge solely based on looks, but a good picture will help create a "spark", that little something that makes you stop and look twice at someones profile.
Some people look exactly like their photos, which I think is a good thing! For good, or bad.. when you meet someone online, you see their photo, you begin to imagine that person as you are chatting with them. When you finally meet in person, there are no surprises. I met one guy online, who looked like a late 20-something alterna-snowboarder dude. When we went in person, he was a 40+ man who looked like a troll! How could I have gotten such a wrong visual impression of someone? I've also had conversations with guys who have a few photos on their profiles, showing some variety and range.. but realize later that the range of photos they were promoting was from 10 years ago.
I try to keep my photos current. I'm always taking new photos, and updating my profiles. I was just stopped in public last night, by a guy who recognized me from one of my dating profiles. I must look like my photos for this guy to see me in a crowd of a thousand people, and say "Hey, That's the girl I emailed 2 weeks ago".
I only wish that more men took the time to make sure they have a decent photo, and actually look like the photo they are promoting.

Dating Butterflies

I love that feeling I get when I meet someone new, and there's that flutter in my stomach.... I call it the Dating Butterflies.
Dating Butterflies are what you get when you contact someone on a dating site, and they respond to your email. It's the feeling you get when someone *winks* at you on a dating site, and you want to *wink* back. The instant connection with someone that makes you want to know more.
This initial phase of finding someone and wanting to find out everything you can about them, gives me the Dating Butterflies. I feel like a school girl... giddy... wanting to scribble his name on my notebook. I wonder about all the little, silly things... like his favorite color, how he takes his coffee, and boxers or briefs? The small things, that in the end, really have no bearing on actual relationships. Does is really matter that he drinks his coffee black, and I'm a die hard cream & tons of sugar girl? The details are just the sprinkles on the frosting, they add color and variety, but don't really change the frosting.
The Dating Butterflies leaves you with a nervous, excited feeling most of the day. Excited about finding out more about this possible match. In this online dating world, the Dating Butterflies is most common before the first date. The emails, texts, phone calls.... finding out as much as you can about this person, in hopes that the first date will be amazing!

Speed Dating ....again?

I've tried Speed Dating before. It was a fun evening. You sit down with 10 or so men, chat with one for 6 minutes, then *DING* ... the next prospect sits down in front of you. A good way to talk to a wide range of men within your age range, in a short amount of time... kinda like weeding thru the bad ones in person.
My Speed Dating experience, while providing me with an evening worth of entertainment, left me still looking for Mister Right. Out of the 10 guys I chatted with, I thought 3 of them were worth a second chat, to see if there was any other connection. Two of them were NO WAY's, and the others were... eh... nothing special,no common interests.
I went home after my Speed Dating event, and entered my thoughts about each guy (yes or no) on the website, and within 5 days, you would see who said yes to you.
Five days later, I got my results. The only 2 guys who said yes to me, were the 2 guys that I said NO WAY to! Sigh.
No luck with round one of Speed Dating. Round Two?
Speed Dating Round Two was suppose to be tomorrow night. When I pre-registered, it said the men's section was full! Sounded good... more to choose from!
I got the call today that the Speed Dating event is canceled. Not enough women signed up. Come on Ladies!
Oh well, maybe next time!

He Did What?!

An ex-boyfriend contacted me today to chat. We exchanged pleasantries. The usual "how are you doing?" kind of stuff. He kept asking how I was, and what I've been up to. I wanted to say "I've been SO busy turning down dates from all the hot doctors & lawyers in town!", but I told him the truth... "same shit, different day".
After he realized I was probably leading a life just as exciting as his since he dumped me, he continued to tell me about a new toy he bought. A toy? Hmmm. I was curious. He proceeded to tell me that he had purchased, after much research and countless blog post testimonials, a penis extender.
A WHAT? Penis extender. A $300 Penis Extender! This crazy contraption hooks on to your manhood and stretches it out! He told me he has to wear it 4 hours a day! No wonder he's messaging me to chat, he can't leave the house!
I was a bit shocked at this revelation. We had been intimately involved, and while he was no porn star, he was well within the average guidelines, which most of my prior bf's have been in as well.
The funny thing about this whole scenario is the reason he broke up with me in the first place. His excuse for ending the relationship was that he needed "time to work on himself" (his exact words!). When he told me that, I didn't think the work he was referring to was making his penis larger!
I told him I thought that was pretty funny considering the reason he dumped me. Then he proceeded to say "Well, we really weren't boyfriend and girlfriend...we were just dating, and I haven't asked you out in a while." Excuse me? This was coming from the man who asked me, like a giddy boy in junior high, to "go steady". I said "going steady was for teenagers, and while I was still getting pimples at the age of 35, I'd settle with calling him my boyfriend." So yes, we were boyfriend & girlfriend. You don't have a break up talk about how you need time to work on yourself, and shouldn't be with anyone, if you aren't bf/gf.
Well, I hope he and his new found penis growth will be happy with each other!

Through the Fog

Why do things always seem more intense at night? Everything seems to be enhanced by the darkness. Emotions more intense, feelings more real. Isn't that why scary movies are better in the dark? Somehow the darkness enhances and heightens our senses.
At night, in the fog of the dark... maybe the mind feels free to wander a bit. The mind thinks about what could have been, what is, and what should be. The heart joins in with its relentless nagging desire to give, and before you know it, I'm having and emotional meltdown!
I am a pretty emotional gal. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I'm not afraid to tell people what I'm thinking. Of course, this often leads to heart break, when one exposes the raw nerve of love & desire. I'll often say things that, upon reflection, could have been held back a bit.
Do I regret my emotional wanders through the fog? No... that's part of who I am. Dreamy, impulsive with my emotions....romantic! And you know what, I wouldn't have it any other way!

Work with me!

A recent "boyfriend" of mine broke up with me because he claimed he wasn't ready to date anyone so soon after his divorce. I believed his story of "needing time for myself", and wanting to work on some things in his life before getting involved with someone else.
Imagine my surprise when I log on to one of my usual dating sites, and find his profile on there. Not only was his profile on the site, he was actively signed in, and a gold member! Wow, what a difference a few weeks can make! I guess he's worked on himself enough. Must not have been much to work with, I'm thinking.

Creative Forces

I need to be more creative. Or at least more productive! I've always been a creative person, with my photography and art, but my production level seems to be affected by so many external things. My drive to create is often pushed aside by another driving force.... love. Well, ok... the search for love. I find myself searching for my Mister Right so often (and on a regular basis!) that it has become part of my daily schedule. I get up, make coffee, scan the dating sites.... multiple dating sites....tweet about the losers I come across... tweet some more and complain that I'm spending too much time looking for men..... repeat. and repeat.....you get the idea.
I do find that when I am in a relationship, I do seem to have more time for the creative things like painting, and writing, and often my "love" will inspire me to create works of art. Many times I've created something for the object of my desire, and presented it to him as a token of my feelings. Some of those works of art, I wish I had gotten back after the breakup, but many were created with just that person in mind, and would remind me of them, so it's better that they aren't sitting around!
Now, I just need to get motivated...... and create! Write! Paint! Glue paper to every surface in my apartment!

The Red Shoes

Every girl needs a few things in life. The perfect little black dress that you pull out at the last minute, the right shade of lipstick that matches every outfit, and red shoes.
Red shoes fall into the category of things that you think you don't need, but once you invest in a pair, you realize how much you really did need them. Red shoes are power. Bright, sassy, flirty. Some would say outrageous. Eye catching? Yes. Isn't that the point of any sexy shoe? We want to catch the eye of the guy next door, the co-worker down the hall, hell... even the boss!
Shoes raise us up, physically and emotionally. We feel better when we walk tall.
After getting my first pair of red shoes today, I can totally understand Carrie Bradshaw's addiction to shoes. I have often identified with her Sex and the City character, and her addiction to men, now I relate on another level.

Quote of the Day

I shouldn't put all of my emotional eggs in one man's basket! -Dating Girl, 2009

Twitter Posts

Here are some of my daily twitter posts:

The Morning Report: My first thoughts... whats going on for the day.

The Daily Drink: Everyone needs a drink to get thru the day!

Dating Profile Quote of The Day: Interesting and often scary, but true statements I find on men's dating profiles.

Dating Update: Updates into my personal so-called "dating" life.

Online Dating Response of the day: Actual responses I receive from men from my online dating sites.

Confession: I might reveal some interesting stuff here!

Twitter!

http://twitter.com/DatingGirl